somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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