do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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