Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
