Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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