I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
