He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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