Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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