Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize