when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
