sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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