And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
