I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
