I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
