you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
