in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
