i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
