i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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