I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize