Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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