can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
