I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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