Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
