my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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