I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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