I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
