Capitaan dildo arrescate!
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
