i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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