i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
