Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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