She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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