Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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