as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
