Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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