would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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