70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
