the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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