did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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