he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
