i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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