Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
