I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
