the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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