Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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