I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
