All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
