My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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