I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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