We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
