he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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