even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize