Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
