So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
