Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
