The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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