i need an iv and a liver transplant
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Randomize
