Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
