I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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